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The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps, by Melissa Orlov
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Awarded "Best Psychology Book of 2010" by ForeWord Reviews, this book is an invaluable resource for couples in which one of the partners suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It authoritatively guides couples in troubled marriages towards an understanding and appreciation for the struggles and triumphs of a relationship affected by ADHD, and to look at the disorder in a more positive and less disruptive way. Going beyond traditional marriage counseling which can often discount the influence of ADHD, this straight-forward discussion offers advice from the author's personal experience and years of research and identifies patterns of behavior that can hurt marriages —such as nagging, intimacy problems, sudden anger, and memory issues —through the use of vignettes and descriptions of actual couples and their ADHD struggles and solutions. This resource encourages both spouses to become active partners in improving their relationship and healing the fissures that ADHD can cause. Also included are worksheets and various methods for difficult conversations so that couples can find a technique that fits their unique relationship and improve their communication skills.
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Product details
Paperback: 233 pages
Publisher: Specialty Press/A.D.D. Warehouse (September 1, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1886941971
ISBN-13: 978-1886941977
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.6 x 8.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
271 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#14,851 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
I read in an article somewhere that most people who get out of an ADHD marriage wonder how they survived such a "train wreck". I have been married to an ADHD husband for 37 years. And I have an 18 year old ADHD daughter. I feel like I have been through years of train wrecks. It's exhausting. I hired an ADD coach for myself who reminded me I was living with two "aliens". When my husband poo-pooed the coach's suggestions, coach wished me luck with the frustrations to come. I want to separate from my spouse. I wish I'd had this book 30 years ago. Melissa's story is my story. Exactly. But, I began drinking heavily to deal with the stress and denial of my family members that they had any disorder. Feeling ignored and attacked, that "I was the one with the problem" finally has finished it for me. I had to get to Alcoholics Anonymous seeking recovery help from alcoholism and depression.Everything Melissa Orlov mentions is spot on. There is work that must be willingly undertaken by both spouses in order for the marriage to survive. My daughter and husband finally agreed to evaluations which recommended taking meds which all the docs agreed they needed. And they love how their meds help them. But they won't do the additional cognitive behavioral piece which absolutely should happen--because this affects me heavily. They don't see the value; they refuse to hear how difficult living with their behavior can be for me.I hate to say my marriage is done, but I am holding on only until my daughter leaves for college. If you have an ADHD or ADD spouse, read this now and seriously follow Melissa's suggestions. Do the work in loving kindness and with the expectation that you both want the best for each other. Be willing, honest, open to change and help with this neurological disorder. Don't let train wrecks of alienation, affairs, fighting, and resentments rule your life. Sadly, I have come to realize how much happier I am when I am alone, especially for long stretches of time, at peace, living in a way that nurtures and doesn't suck the soul out of me.
I cried. As a non ADHD spouse, I felt understood and validated for the first time. At the same time the author took me to task on my behavior and responses. This book is illustrated my marriage to perfection. The book gave a name to what happened; how it started, how it was falling apart, the state of crisis. It explained my pain perfectly. It forced me to squarely face my husband's pain. THEN in a simple way, provided a roadmap back to a heathly marriage. It gave me hope after years of hopelessness and anger. Now the work begins.
I am older, been in an ADHD marriage a long difficult time - finally figured most of this out myself. The main thing I got was a really important one - make my life best for myself. Go my own way and maximize my own life. Yes! An ADHD will suck the life out of you. Their needs are endless. Yet, they do react when the partner ignores them and goes ahead. Then they will grow a bit, too. So.......yes, one good thing here.
My husband and I purchased this book to read together. He was diagnosed years ago with ADD (inattentive but not hyperactive) and had stopped treatment for his ADD at the time we started reading this book. I am a non ADD spouse. To it's credit the book was initially helpful to both of us. My husband saw fairly quickly how his untreated ADD was affecting me and our relationship. He has resumed medication and is working in earnest to stay on track by using planning tools. For me, it was helpful that it got my husband back into treating his ADD and it reminded me that his struggles are a result of this disorder and not intentional. In addition it has helped me see myself in the "response" symptoms of the non ADD spouse . . . angry, depressed, despondent, feeling like I am more of a mother to my husband than his wife. It has helped me prioritize "me" and not spend so much time trying to help "him". All this may be enough for a couple just starting to deal with ADD in their marriage. For us it was more of a refresher. But we need to go much further.The book is lacking in it's description of ADHD, predominantly and heavily dealing with the hyperactive variety. However, my husband's ADD is not the hyperactive type but predominantly inattention. So the author's example after example of "H" symptoms were not useful to us. And while we found the examples of other ADHD marriages helpful, w also felt that they were over done and much more time should have been devoted to tips for treatment for both spouses, ADD and non.We started out reading the book thinking if we found it helpful that we might register for the author's online workshop. We will not. as we do not need to understand ADD more, we need more concrete and specific tools to deal with it in ourselves and our relationship.
My husband and I have been married for 31 years. Our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 17. As I educated myself about ADHD, our daughter's diagnosis not only explained a lot about certain behavior issued we'd had with her over the years, it also explained a lot about my husband and our marriage. Even though my husband has not been professionally evaulated for ADHD, over the years he has displayed many of the behaviors associated with the disorder. As I read through this book, it felt like Orlov has had a hidden camera trained on our marriage.I found it to be a difficult, or perhaps I should say uncomfortable, book to read. Yes, many of my husband's patterns of behavior are described, and so are many of my own that have been in reaction to him (and not all of them are flattering). ADHD affects more than just the person who has it, and Orlov points out that having ADHD is not a character flaw, nor is it necessarily "a problem" even though it can have a deterimental effect on a person's life and relationships. But knowledge and information are power and this book has helped me shift my perspective on my husband, myself, and our marriage in a positive way.I recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship with an ADHD partner.
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